I need a place to vent. If that makes sense.

My life has gone to shit. I fell stupidly in love with someone I shouldn't have and got blindsided and that sucked. We maintained a friendship and whatnot and that was fine, but then randomly I text Shaun and he tells me never to talk to him ever again. I got academic suspension from school and can't go back till I have an interview sometime in early October and get approved to re-enroll in the Spring. Boston Market closed and I lost my job as a result. I got a new job at McDonald's to pay the bills and I can't even explain how much I hate it there. Everyday I'm there (which is way more often than not) I want to just tell them to go fuck themselves and leave. Unfortunately I have a crazy work ethic and could never do that -- even to McDonald's. I applied at a few other places to try to get out of McDonald's but that doesn't change the fact that I have to work 8-5 tomorrow. Someone shoot me. My grandpa, the one thing that has helped me through life since my family went to shit when I was 8, died last week and I can't even bring myself to tell anyone. I just wish they had a way of knowing and could just hug me...because everything makes me break down and cry. And I can't even admit that to anyone, I just have to write it on my stupid LiveJournal ... because I know that nobody will really read this anyway. The best thing that's happened to me in the last week is that I won a few rounds of Rummy last night and I got Chocolate Chip Pancakes at IHOP. My high school best friend turned college best friend and roommate hasn't spoken to me in almost three weeks and hasn't said a single word of condolence about my grandpa who she knew was really ill and meant a lot to me. My brother is addicted to GOD KNOWS WHAT drugs and he's fucking his life up. My dad doesn't know how to be a dad and I've refused to talk to him for months now. Not like he's exactly tried to talk to me either, so fuck him. My mother gets mad at me and hangs up on me when I tell her how much I hate my job now and that I need a new one, she doesn't get it. I can't even think of one person I can sit here and cry to and that would probably be why I'm posting on here right now, because nobody has to listen and I can get it all out. I just want one person to step up to the plate and hug me. Not because they feel bad for me, but because they CARE about me. I've been sucking back tears everyday....and honestly, I just want my mommy if nobody is going to hug me. If I didn't have to be at work at 8am, I would get in my car and drive home right now so that I could see her and be with her. She's all I've got left. I wish I could just stop crying right now. Or at least go one day without breaking down into tears, because it sucks. Really bad.



Fin.

Oh, my grandpa passed away Thursday morning. I wrote a eulogy for him. Here it is.


The last time I spoke to my grandpa, he told me he was working at the New York Times again and was smoking cigarettes. Prior to that, he told me he was a pilot and was living in Flushing, New York. Before that he told me he was living in South Dakota, Egypt, and a few other places we all knew he’d never actually been to. The last year was a rough year not only for him, but for all of us. If anything he was having the time of his life in his own fantasy land.
Without my grandpa, growing up would have been very tough. Granted it was tough, he made things a lot easier. When I got into a magnet middle school, he immediately insisted that I get the computer he had -- and that he would take me clothes shopping so that I wouldn’t feel left out when all the other kids had the cool clothes. My grandpa never stopped giving -- ever. No matter how sick he was, he never stopped.
Before he got sick, everyone knew he had quite the sense of humor; whether he intended to make people laugh or not. Everyone can always remember something funny about him, for me, it was mistaking a chunk of horseradish for gefilte fish at a Seder -- his face turned BRIGHT RED and we all got a good laugh.
He’s where he belongs now, pain-free and finally reunited with his wife. After 13 years, he’s back with the love of his life and I know the two of them, along with a few others, are looking down on me and watching over me. Hope he enjoys his Chivas Royal I left him!

Who else has finished Deathly Hallows?

PLEASE TALK ABOUT IT WITH ME.
NOW.

IM me @ waste this night.

I desperately need someone to dicusssssss with!

veg·e·tar·i·an Pronunciation[vej-i-tair-ee-uhn]
–noun
1. a person who does not eat or does not believe in eating meat, fish, fowl, or, in some cases, any food derived from animals, as eggs or cheese, but subsists on vegetables, fruits, nuts, grain, etc.

This would be me from now on. No meat, I'll eat fish for the protein and Omega-3 and Omega-6, no meat though. Milk and eggs are straight still, just no actual meat.

What what.

and to quote Aryn: "Auschwitz begins whenever someone looks at a slaughterhouse and thinks: they are only animals."

i can't stand it.
oh, Tanner and i got a HUGE pumpkin that we are going to start carving tonight
if anyone wants some pumpkin seeds or pumpkin pie, let us know, cos we are DEFINATELY making some of both!

school is kicking my ass this semester.
badly.
i have had 1.5 hours of sleep.
& now i have a 600 word paper to write...on an article from a medical journal...JIBBERISH!
i took a nice shower
and i have a nice bathrobe...which is in my car...AT EM'S HOUSE.
i want it. now.

i have an in-class writing today in english. i would like to kill someone because of it.
also, i have to track down 6 or so sources for my research paper and write an Annotated Bibliography due thursday.

to top it off, my cramps are borderline death.
i think today might be one of those oh my fucking god my ovaries are killing me and im dying on the bathroom floor days.
if school wasn't death in itself, i would skip a little...like meteorology...to come here and sleep.
but i need to go...to take notes...and bitchslap school for kicking my ass.

& im done procrastinating...





no wait, i really want my bathrobe.

NOW im done.


oh & Lauren Davis is the best girl in Tallahassee [yanno, next to my partner in crime]
♥


::EDIT::
i really wish i wasnt in school this semester. seriously.
i am at the point where i want to quit my job in an effort to relieve stress.
UGH! HELP!

i just heard Cartel on Date My Mom.
i about shit myself.
i'm not used to them being all big and famous.

FREAKING THEY WERE ON MTV!
sdfljhsafkgljh

well, how have things been going??
pretty ok..i guess.
Em broke her foot...so pretty much, that means im gimpy too...except i can walk, and drive, and go up and down stairs w/o rugburn and the fear of killing myself...BUT whats a night out without my partner in crime?
yeah, lame.

anyways, school is going ok, lots of homework and tests.
went home last weekend and saw my lover. yay.
the drive back sucked...the drive there wasnt that bad.

anyways, im gonna get goin since Becco, Em and I are watching Lost.

I find it humerous that we now have a "no Halo on surround sound before 9am" rule in our house.

I kinda love living with boys.

WHATS UP DEANS LIST!
i made the deans list!
& i just found the letter in the mailbox!!!
whoaaaa



im so proud.

FUCK 3 point field goals in triple overtime.

"You are in a death camp. You are standing in a gas chamber. Did you hear what I said? You are standing in a gas chamber."

I wish I could block out that week of my life. I don't like talking about it. Not unless I'm asked specific questions. Otherwise I'm flooded with EVERY memory and I really can't take it.




added @ 1:30 am....
i don't think Shaun is getting me anything. I didn't get him much, just a DVD, but I wish he could get me something or do something for me. He's done everything in the past 4 months that I've wished he would do for the 6 months before that, but I don't think this wish is going to come true. Not that gifts matter, but it's the thought that counts right? I want the thought.